Link to a Really good ballet Dance for breast cancer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejjzqFHYRaI

My new hair

We went out for a walk in the park yesterday with my friend Sheryl and her daughter to take some pictures of the kids. I don't do Halloween but I found a ladybug costume to dress Ethan up in for some 'Anne Geddes' type of pictures.

First time out wearing my new hair!! I still have hair on my head but not much. It's very thin.

One more round left!

My last round of chemo was a week ago today. Two weeks until the FINAL round.

Thats the only thing keeping me going and making me feel like I can take more of this. The fact that after the next its OVER! I don't care if I made a mistake and there are actually 5 rounds or .... something like that. Its over. One way or another.

The side effects the last couple of rounds have been worse. I don't wan to list everything. One of the worst is the acid reflux. I ended up the other night, drinking most of a bottle of malox, eating a tub of yogurt, drinking so much milk and probably OD'ing on the nexium. Still in so much pain.

Never had that so bad and I have actually had issues with the reflux for years.

I am exhausted and cranky. I have never been so angry kicking walls etc. I get mad at everything some days. "its all a part of the drugs". Thats wonderful. I am turning into a psycho.

What is scaring me is the waiting and wondering about the chemo induced cancers that could arise from the treatments. Have I gone and traded one not even confirmed cancer for another?

I don't know how to get past that. I don't know how to get past the constant worry. I want to get back to living but how? I feel that this cancer and chemo has totally invaded my life and has taken over. I don't know when I can just live in peace. I know that there is going to be a point where I have to let it all go for the most part and if anything happens in the future it happens.

Like the breast cancer. I was always aware that there was a possibility that I would get cancer again as I had it once before. I was on the look out with everything with out being too rediculus when I would find some lump or abnormality. I was cautious thats why I found the lump and knew it was not a regular one.

I lived in peace though at the same time as being cautious. Can I get that back? How? When?

And when the heck am I a "survivor" from all of this? When I die of another cause? This could come back anytime, next week, next month, in ten years, in 15-20. So, when am I a survivor?

Maybe now just the fact that I am surviving every day.

Maybe its just my mood today. Maybe it is the drugs. Maybe I have changed into a bitter hag.

I have changed lately and I don't like it.

I am scared and its taking over. I just want to be here to see my son grow up. I don't want him to be without a mother.

Maybe I will feel better once all of this is all over with once and for all. I just keep thinking one more round and I never have to go back to the chemo ward again. Hopefully.

Helping Young Couples Cope with Breast Cancer « Finding Hope Blog – The Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation

I have not had a chance to really read the whole thing yet.

I skimmed a little. Even if I don't think its that helpful for myself, maybe others will? Hopefully.

Anyways, here is a link for younger couples dealing with breast cancer. Hope someone can get something out of it!!

Helping Young Couples Cope with Breast Cancer « Finding Hope Blog – The Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation

Chemo Pictures

Round Two Done

Last Wednesday was my second round.

That started out a little the same as the first. I was given the bennadrel and the steroids at first before the Dositaxil. That was supposed to stop the reactions that I had last time.

Not so much. I was started on a lower dose of both than the last time.

I ended up having the chest tightness along with chest pain this time, sharp pains in my back and stomach and I went flush. More or less the same as last time but not as bad. That and this time everyone was ready for a reaction so help was there fast and then things worked out pretty good.

I brought my sister in law and my son with me. That really helped and made the day go by a lot faster and easier.

My hair is really falling out. I am so shocked that I have any left as of right now. I don't have any specific bald spots, just very, very thin.

I went wig shopping last Friday. I found that anything that was similar to my own hair just did not look good. Maybe thats a sign I have not had the best hair style in years.

I ended up getting one that has a lot of volume, is fairly blond and around the length my hair was before it started falling out.

I get the wig back on Tuesday as its being fitted for my head etc. This should be interesting.

I am actually looking forward to it as it is something different.

I will for sure post up pictures.